The Paper Wall

Lee

Hello? Anybody Home?

For the most part, I’ve alternated between feelings of numbness and apathy toward my life. I dealt with it by staying really busy and continuously tacking on bigger and harder goals. I live in a giant city, I worked for huge organizations, I attended large schools, and I always had big groups of friends. I crammed my time full of activities and gadgets which would bring me happiness (or at least, distract me from my discontentment). This went on for years.

I am one of those people who has a difficult time just sitting down and chilling out. It’s hard for me to stop. By the time I realized what was happening, and this is fairly recently, I had deviated far from my original plan in life. I needed to stop, regroup my thoughts and just absorb it all.

My present existence feels like purgatory. I left my big firm job to look for a new career. But this isn’t just about leaving my profession. I left my way of existence and I’m on my way to a completely different life. For now though, I’m still figuring things out. I don’t know what awaits me.

I feel vulnerable now that my “identity” is slowly being peeled off. It’s ironic, too, because I always disliked when people used or applied labels – I never realized I also found comfort and safety in having them. I guess it was easy to say that when I always had a sense of belonging.

I understand it’s necessary for me to just live this stage of my life without knowing what’s next, without an identity of sorts. I mean, that’s the point, right? I can’t figure out who I am or what I want while I’m clinging to something concrete. Nonetheless, I’m extremely uncomfortable being in this state of influx.

The last few months, I couldn’t figure out why I struggled with starting as a freelance consultant. I see now it’s because I wasn’t ready to advise others or for them to rely on my guidance. But it isn’t about needing more skills or experience. I have enough. To do this kind of work, I have to make decisions by myself and to trust my judgment. But alas, I feel uneasy about it and I’m full of self doubt.

This is about believing in myself and my abilities. I don’t have the confidence to say: “Hey, I believe this and so should you.” In my previous jobs, anything I ever stated or recommended was always validated by others on my team.

This leads me to see that I’m afraid to be alone. I mean this figuratively. I literally live alone, run errands alone and I always find time to do my own thing. I’m talking about being away from the ideas and beliefs of my family, friends, and peers (otherwise known as my “support group” or “community”). I’ve operated my life in an environment where someone always watched my back.

I guess I find comfort in the safety of crowds and numbers. It feels like a stabilizing force in my life. There is something about being able to say “we.” I have my own preferences and opinions, like anyone else, but I surrounded myself with people and groups who shared my interests. I banded with them in the safety of the “we.” We believed. We felt. We liked. We said.

If I want this new life, I can no longer look to other people for validation of my desires or decisions. It would be an oxymoron to claim that I want to live my life in a way that truly represents my passion and energy, and then, look to others and ask if they agree. I have to really develop a strong sense of self to continue on this path. There’s no room for wussiness.

So here I am, in purgatory. I’m starting to understand that everyone who takes their own path faces this ridiculously scary period. I just have to push through it.

I know I’m on the right track. I need to keep going and to have faith in myself. I can’t see what’s next and I’ll be relying on my intuition. I feel like I’m navigating through my life as a blind person. A naked, blind person. The good news is that I found a beneficial trade off to living a life with so much uncertainty – I finally feel alive.

October 28, 2008

LoLa

Lone Ranger

Avoid popularity, if you would have peace. — Abraham Lincoln

Lately, I find myself wondering, who am I now that I’ve walked away from my previous accomplishments, possessions, friends, and ambitions? I think I’m defined by the sum of my achievements and other people's perception of me. I’m scared that without them, I’m nothing but a lost, lonely soul.

I feel like I gave up everything when I left my career: my identity, my friends, and my sense of self. I had embraced the identity and lifestyle that came along with my career and finally had to let it all go when I left. I’d been too afraid to admit it wasn’t right for me so I avoided seeing that it wasn’t really me.

I didn’t want to look at myself and evaluate why I felt like I didn’t belong. I guess it was better for me to feel out of place, than to be a part of nothing at all. Even worse, I just might find out I don’t fit in anywhere. That would make me feel alone and different. I wouldn’t have others to look to for validation that I was doing the right things for myself.

I thought if many people are doing something, it must be the right thing to do, and I should do it, too. I also liked categories because they kept my life nice and neat. There was no thinking necessary, I just had to learn their rules and fit into them. If i belonged, I didn’t have to worry about my biggest fear, looking freakish. I didn’t want to risk the awful feeling of being unaccepted. I always had a handful of people around me to make me feel better about myself.

I feel like I’m making a mistake and doing something totally wrong if I make a decision and choose a path that’s out of my (and everyone else’s) comfort zone. Apparently, I believe that if everyone does something, it’s right, and if no one or very few people do it, it’s wrong.

I don't trust myself enough to make the right decisions, especially since my instincts sometimes take me toward an unconventional path. So instead, I'd rather have someone else tell me what to do, and I’ll do it. I don’t like to make decisions because if I did, I would have to take ownership for my mistakes and for my unhappiness. I think my life is easier when someone else makes all my big decisions for me. I can just follow their orders because I wont have to think anything through to figure out what I want.

In reality, most people do safe things. Just because few people do something doesn’t necessarily make it wrong, it might just be too scary or risky for most to attempt. I want to be able to push past my fear so I can finally do what I want.

I hate not having an interim club to belong to – one to tide me over until I find my place. But I’m tired of being part of a group simply because I do or don’t do the same things as the other people around me. I was only part of the “lawyer” group because we generally had the same job duties (and frustrations) in common and could relate; it wasn’t because I genuinely felt I had a personal connection with them. This isn’t enough anymore.

I’m looking for that feeling that tells me that I’m home. I want to be comfortable in my own skin and at peace with myself. I’ve never had that because I did things out of safety, not to foster my own sense of myself. I found safety by assimilating into large groups of people who I revered. I assumed a label for myself by being a part of them.

Now that I’m slowly finding my own sense of self, I have an obligation to myself to follow my heart, and to not fall into the seductive trap of following a safe route. There’s no beauty, joy, or satisfaction in safety.

I feel like I’m out in space now, floating. I don’t know where I am going, or what to do now. But I know what I shouldn’t do (what got me into this mess in the first place) – follow what other people consider is a good decision/career/life.

I’m free to do my own thing now that I’m untethering the identity I created with my career. I’m free to not just get a new job, but to welcome a new life.

The Paper Wall

Do or do not. There is no try.

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