The Paper Wall

I'm happy in the present, except for the anxiety over money. My financial worries leave a perpetual pit in my stomach.  I lie awake at night with this trusted companion of mine.  It’s the only thing I can count on these days.

 

Truth be told, I’m exhausted by the effort I put into launching myself as a freelance consultant.  I tell myself it’s only meant for the interim, a means to income until I figure things out.   So why am I putting in all this effort for a temporary solution?  It feels too difficult to be worthwhile.

 

Ironically, the money (or my lack thereof), doesn’t exist in my life only as a giant downer.  My need to make money, fast, works as the greatest motivator in getting me out there to find companies to work with.  Especially when I’m terrified doing so and then looking like an assface.  And oftentimes, I really do end up making a fool of myself. 

 

But guess what?  I get over it, and I go for it again.  And again.  Because I have to.  I’m no masochist.  I just know it’s the only way I’ll be able to make a living doing contract work. 

 

You know how I’m dealing with the frustrations of my present reality?  One way is by fantasizing about picking up a kick-back job, just to pay the bills. I can go through the motions of making a living without having to exert all this damn effort.  This way, I’ll be able to focus my free time on finding out what I really want for my life.

 

Hey, it’s no big deal if I give myself a little break, right?  Taking an easy route would accomplish a couple of things.  I can make a living without going back to my last career.  This allows me eradicate (read: leave behind and avoid dealing with) the pain I’ve suffered from my past jobs.  A chill work situation can also eliminate my present anxiety about having to first discover and then attain my dreams. 

 

I can take a little break and then come back.  This opportunity to “find myself” doesn't have to be lost forever.  Yep, I totally can return.  But I hear that sometimes, it takes 15 years.  Well shit.  I don’t want to wait that long.

 

Let’s be serious here, an “easy break” can lead me into a detour headed nowhere good.  I definitely don’t want to spend another 15 years either running down the wrong path. Or worse yet, not going anywhere at all.  If I’m lucky to make it back, I will have just gone in a circle to find in a place I’m already at today.  I know that every one of the scary obstacles I’m facing today will still be here, waiting for me. (Don’t these fuckers ever take a break?)  This resistance stuff is really sneaky and subtle. 

 

It’s becoming apparent that taking a break doesn’t help me get what I want.  This leads to my next question. Where in the world did I get the idea that a happy life means a painless life?  I’m finally starting to realize that I can do what I want and have a happy life. But here’s the truth, high reaching aspirations, like this, requires twice as much work.  Hell, three or four times as much work.  Having a happy life is not the same as having an easy life.  Yo Comprendo. 

 

I see now that I was only half correct about making things “easier”.  Taking a kick back job could certainly make my life a lot less stressful.  But a simpler life, free from my daily struggles, is not enough to make me happy.  Not by a longshot. 

 

Recently, I started improving at selling myself for my day job.  People have been noting my progress.   But it wouldn’t have happened if I didn’t keep trying.  And I would’ve never put myself out there, day in and day out, were it not for the absolute necessity.  I certainly wouldn’t face my fears, as much as I do today, if I had a fallback or an easy plan B.

 

And yet, part of me knows my improvement, in itself, isn’t enough.  It may be progress, but progress doesn’t pay my bills.   Every day I wake up wondering if I have enough in me to keep putting in the work, facing rejection and failure, and trying again until I get there.

 

I intend to go after what I want.  But damn if this isn’t difficult.  I struggle with accepting that just because something is possible, doesn’t mean that it will necessarily happen for me.  

 

For now though, I’m taking happiness route.  Following this path means I need to take the steps necessary to maintaining my life.  Only by doing so, am I afforded the luxury of continuing my “quest.”  Starting a new life is rocky. I really thought that this would be medium hard at best.  

I finally left the law. Now what? My resume is filled with experience in law offices, public interest organizations, and the government, all in legal a capacity. I had my ducks all lined up and for a life of public service and I'm having difficulty letting it all go and starting all over.

 

This whole starting over business is so daunting. Sometimes, I just want to plop myself down like rag doll and cry. (On my weaker days, I want to find someone wealthy to marry me. I dream of having him pay off my student loans while I find myself though yoga and art. Man, this isn't easy. People told me how brave I was when I was quit my job to pursue another career. I just plastered a smile on my face and nodded. I didn't want them to see me shaking.

 

Quitting was easy; starting anew is the hard part. Although I left my job to pursue something different, part of me is resisting starting over completely. A blank page is scary.

 

For a while, I considered a quasi/non-legal job. I could still use the skills I spent lots of money on to acquire and work in some administrative capacity for the government. But it would be like practicing law "lite." I wouldn't be eliminating the aspects that I hated most about my job, just the technical legal title and a little of the responsibility.

 

I'm actually afraid of getting a job like that. It may become tolerable (and can seduce me to stay with a good benefits and retirement package). It'll take away my current suffering and unhappiness, but I'll lose the urgency to keep going, to discover what I really want to do.

 

I'm thinking I might want to work in business. I'll have to suck up my pride and start over in a totally new field. My worst fear is having to compete with people younger (and less educated) than me for a job. And chances are, it will be a job that pays way less than what I could make as an attorney.

 

All the work I need to put into networking in the business world sounds exhausting right now. I daydream about what I wanted before I went to law school. I was young and felt a lot less (self imposed) commitments and constraints. Like my whole future was ahead of me. I'm dying to recapture that moment in time.

 

I would love to find a job where I can wear cute, comfy outfits and have some light, interesting conversations with others. No office, no paper, no suits, and no 9-5. I think bartending would be fun. I imagine myself shooting the shit with patrons while concentrating on getting the proportions of their dirty martinis right. To me, it sure beats the stress of worrying about losing someone's legal case.

 

But this won't really work. First of all, my image of bartending is a fantasy. I’d be pouring drinks for others to have a good time. That doesn't make the job any more fun or "easy" for me. Bartending requires hard work and has its own set of ladders to climb, as well. (Neither of which do I have time and energy for).

 

The other problem with bartending is that I might end up adjusting to that job, instead of the other way around. What’s the point of an interim job (while I figure stuff out) if it ends up being the permanent job? I might start adapting to an active nightlife, push my career exploration and newfound artistic pursuits to the wayside, and be too tired (and unmotivated) for "real" job interviews.

 

I'm grasping for an "easy" job for all the wrong reasons. I fear starting a totally new career because I remember the difficulty of my law career. Every step was so painful that I had to force myself to keep going. For some reason, I picture every career to be like that. So I want to take an "easy" job and put off another career for a while. But who’s to say I'll get back on the path to a fulfilling career if I just take it easy now? Merely promising myself I will just isn’t good enough.

 

I need to give the business world a shot before I write it off. Finding my new career will take hard work, persistence, and effort; but it may not feel as "hard." I’m hoping it will be worthwhile because I’m now going after a career I’ll like, want, and actually feel good about. Avoiding the footwork required to get there by taking a long break won’t do me any good. I'm going to have to put in my time eventually.

 

Besides, I already took a leap of faith when I left my last career. If I get scared and look for something to hold on to while mid-air, I could lose my momentum and plummet before I make it to the other side. By the time I got back up to take another leap, I'll be older, more tired, and even more scared try another time. I'd probably never jump again.