Someone once made an observation about me. I wasn’t consciously aware of my behavior at the time but I was later enlightened of it. I was at a bar with friends, and at one point, I engaged in polite conversation with someone’s girlfriend. I quickly became bored but this woman just kept talking.
I started looking off to the side while continuing to answer her questions. Apparently, I slowly turned away until she eventually faced the back of my head. Somehow, she continued a conversation with me, in this manner. This chick should have taken the hint, but man, I realize I am one rude motherfucker.
I’m now aware that “looking away” from situations is my method of coping with unpleasantness. What others may perceive as apathy is really my avoidance of discomfort, unhappiness, or even the truth. I deal by turning my head away. This is why I don’t even know what I want. I was generally too scared or disgusted to look things in the face.
I'm not sitting here regretting that I didn't pursue my dreams. It's way sadder than that. I don’t even know what I want because I never even thought about it. I didn’t allow myself the freedom to have dreams to begin with. Not as an adult.
The more I disowned my desires, the harder it became to even entertain their existence. I hate to admit this because it’s so damn painful. I knew I was a control freak, but it’s frightening to realize my control issues even extended into my mind and into my thoughts.
As a result, I spent my time cultivating an identity – one of an ambitious and confident person. My friends describe me as, “determined, hard-working and ballsy.” Some might say I’m aggressive, relentless and calculated. Spun differently, I could even be regarded as opportunistic and ruthless. But all of these traits, whether portrayed as euphemisms or judgments, only describe the persona I took on to I pursue my career. They don’t reveal anything about my passions or interests.
I’m saddened by the way I’ve approached my ambitions. I’ve actually been operating from a place of fear. My fear of failure and poverty has driven the majority of my decisions. I thought, “If I become successful and wealthy then I can’t possibly become an impoverished failure.”
Instead of pursuing of happiness, I’ve operated from a position of risk management. I’ve lived a life devoid of true hope and dreams. I had goals, but I’m discovering that my aspirations were not driven by love or passion. It’s been an empty and shallow existence.
I’m seeing the danger to this approach. I was outwardly successful and I made a good amount of money, but in reality, I was letting myself down. It left me dead inside and I became numb and bitter from my self neglect, self denial, and self manipulation.
I sought after bigger and more prestigious achievements as I became more and more unhappy. I kept avoiding the real problem – I was ignoring my true desires and I wasn’t listening to my gut.
I’m shocked that I used to think, “If “happiness” isn’t in my reach, then I’ll just make sure my life isn’t terrible.” Clearly, I was avoiding the happiness route because it would make me vulnerable to the pain of disappointment. Preventing the worst from happening is a safe way to live, but I tell you, it is a joyless life.
So what do I really want? Damned if I know. This is a seriously powerful topic and there’s a reason it’s rarely discussed. Many of us don’t even dare think about it because it’s terrifying. Why would I want to discover my grand desires if I know I’ll probably be too scared to pursue them? It would be too heartbreaking for me. I guess I decided it was easier to not know than to want it and never get it. I’m ashamed that I was such a weenie.
I hope to I can soon discover and then pursue my dreams. But first, I need to re-learn how. I did once, long ago. I was definitely a child the last time I allowed myself dream, uncensored. I don’t even remember specific aspirations, just vague wisps of ideas and feelings.
I aim to go after what really I want. As painful as it seems and as vulnerable as it makes me feel, I just want to give it a fair shot this time around. However I’ve been operating, these past years, is no way to live life. Not in the slightest. I’m tired my avoidance and I’m determined to face forward and look straight ahead.
